Working (It) Out

They say that upon dying, you walk towards the light, towards the next plane of your existence; for him, this walk was the intricate hall of his favorite home. A hall filled with closets, a hall that led from the living room to the bedrooms. To him, it was a gallery of sorts with its vintage details of handcrafted wooden closet doors, crystal handles, and snippets of festival art pieces displayed on pale-colored walls. Nightly during his time at this home, he walked, shutting off lights, while the old wood floors creaked under his weight. It was a welcomed routine after a long day and, in some cases, a drunken maze to his bed.
Walking down the hall, he remembered how much he loved this home; although it was an apartment converted to a condo, it felt grand. You see, it was built in the 1920s and still retained its initial splendor, not touched by updates that would disrupt its flow, but meticulously maintained.
When he had first seen the home, it was by chance; he had been strolling through Redfin while taking a mental break at work. It wasn’t even in a neighborhood that he was interested in, but being a single dad with a young child and with the right price point, he couldn’t resist. So, he clicked on the first image, and that is when he fell in love; the more he moved through the pictures, the greater his love and longing for this home. Since his wife’s death, he’d been dismal, broken, unfeeling, lost in feelings for or the enthusiasm of something other than her love or of what life used to be. He knew that this wouldn’t replace what he’d lost, but at least this was something. He wanted this home and immediately reached out to the listing agent to confirm an appointment. Still, later that day, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He gave up trying to work and decided to scour every search engine for photos of the building, its location, history, and the more information he found. The deeper he got entranced by its beauty. Needless to say, he was very unproductive at work that day.
Something so ordinary was taking his breath away and consuming his thoughts. He imagined his daughter growing up in this home. This home reminded him of homes he had seen in magazines and DIY websites. Somehow, he knew that the updates were heartfelt attempts to bring each home to its original glory—marrying the old with the new. But on a deeper level, this home reminded him of the houses he dreamed about when he was a tiny child. Something that seemed unattainable at that moment, but that one day, it would inhabit such a place.
Stephan grew up poor, filled with stress and all of the challenges living in the home of a single mother and four children. Many days he rarely saw his mom, and on many nights, he went to sleep hungry and anxious by the uncertainty that he felt all around him.
This same uncertainty prevailed again, his life darkened by his wife’s death and the loss of the home they lived in; this new home gave him hope.
Upon entering the home for the first time, he felt right at home; he knew that he had found his sanctuary, his new beginning, their new beginning. Once moved in, he prided himself on how he created spaces in his home, unique areas to convey a feeling, solicit a response, invoke thought. He would scour thrift stores, garage sales, and online estate sales to find the perfect pieces. For him, a home wasn’t something to be finished all at once; a home required the patience and enthusiasm of an artist. As time passed, each room took on new meaning. Still, through this time, the hall held its essence, unchanged by additions, it remained in its original beauty. Although the hall appeared not to change, he felt growth happening every time he walked through the hall; on some days, there was very little growth, and on others, there was extreme growth.
Growth that would hit him all at once, causing him to exhale or become weak in the knees, but whichever it was, he’d paused there in the middle of the hall to let the feelings consume him. He imagined his home to be a symphony of sorts, evolving, rising, and falling with each passing day.
So, it’s only befitting that on his last day in this existence, he would once again walk this hall towards them.